The nature of my work requires me to start my day early, often waking up at 3:00 AM. I spend 10 to 11 hours working outdoors, regardless of the weather—rain, hail, sunshine, or snow. The job itself isn’t physically demanding, but it does involve repetitive driving and movement. By the time my shift ends, all I want is to shower and relax. I find myself craving a meal, followed by some time on the couch watching YouTube videos.

I used to be much more active. Growing up, I practiced martial arts, played football, and regularly went to the gym. When I was in the Army, I worked out everyday doing PT and going on runs. But these days, finding the motivation to work out or engage in any kind of physical activity feels like an uphill battle. I make an effort to go to the gym on my days off, but even then, I often prefer to take full advantage of the break and simply enjoy the downtime.

At home, I have everything I need to work out—bench set, dip bars, a stationary bike, kettle bells, dumbbells, and an ab roller—but lately, these items have simply been gathering dust. I can’t seem to muster the energy or drive to use them, preferring instead to sit on the couch. This lack of motivation frustrates me because I know I don’t want to fall out of shape. In my mind, I have a clear image of the person I want to be, but the reflection I see in the mirror doesn’t match that image, and I despise it. I long for the discipline to exercise consistently.

As I get older, it’s only becoming harder to stay in shape, and it’s frustrating. It feels ironic to spend hours watching YouTube videos of others working out, getting fit, while I sit idly by, indulging in unhealthy habits and gaining weight. I know I could carve out 30 minutes to an hour for exercise, but I struggle to manage my time effectively.

Earlier, I mentioned my desire to feel fulfilled mentally, physically, and spiritually, and I’ve come to realize that the physical aspect is the hardest for me to achieve at this stage in my life. This blog has become somewhat of a therapy session for me—an outlet to dig deeper, to understand myself better, and to find a way to align the person I envision myself to be with the person I see in the mirror.